Thinner and Prettier

Copyright 2006 LFWADE
Body Dysmorphic Disorder

People who have Body Dysmorphic Disorder become obsessive about some aspect of their looks; in the US this is commonly used to refer to people who are anorexic but cannot see that they are too thin (Hello, Lindsey Lohan? Nicole Richie?). However, it can refer to any physical attribute that a person might obsess over. Apparently, it is most common to be some item of the head – hair (or lack thereof), nose (size and shape), and symmetry of the face. People with BDD obsessively check out their perceived problem in the mirror and despite the fact that they might have a perfectly normal looking nose they perceive that it is hideously deformed.

I have the inverse problem. I will call it Body Abnegation Disorder – that way I get the acronym BAD – commonly known as denial. In my own head I am a thinner, prettier woman. I do not obsessively check my appearance in mirrors; instead I catch a glimpse of myself in a reflection and think, “Damn, who is that unkempt fat girl.” It’s not a derogatory or self deprecating comment. I am honestly surprised at my appearance some times. It doesn’t just apply to my weight. Sometimes it’s how long I’ve let my roots grow out, or the stunning realization that I have a large tattoo on my back.

However, this is undoubtedly the problem that allows me to get overweight. I don’t notice that I am getting fatter. Because I carry my weight pretty well other people don’t tend to notice either. I, like many women, keep a variety of sizes in my closet, so when my weight slides up or down I merely adjust my wardrobe to fit. This complicates dieting because; I don’t think I am fat. Why diet if you don’t need to?

Clearly* the problem is that I am too comfortable with myself and was taught too much self acceptance as a child. I cannot remedy this problem with the common cures: hypercritical parents, school yard taunting, or name calling, as they must be applied during the formative childhood years. So I will have to take dramatic self measures to fight my battle with BAD.

1. All mirrors will be re-installed to reflect not just my neck and head, but also my torso and ass.
2. I will force myself to really look at my reflection on a daily basis.
3. When I am done with one size of clothes I will get rid of it, rather than holding it in reserve, in case I need it again.

Some people with BAD have to take more severe measures including such shame inducing behaviors as: streaking, bikini wearing, VPL’s, and VBL’s.

I will stop short of any mantras – no good can come of chanting “I am fat”. And I will not form a support group (Hello, my name is Leah, and I don’t think these jeans make my ass look big.) I will ask for honest opinions from my spouse and not pout when he tells me that those jeans “aren’t my favorite.” (Which is as close to telling me that I look bad in them as he will ever get).

I know that some self awareness is in order here and I am definitely trying to achieve a healthy body rather than a thinner size. The sad part of all of this is that when I do reach my goals of size and shape I don’t benefit from a positive self esteem change. After all, I have always been thinner and prettier.




Unnecessary Disclaimer: People that have BDD suffer from a clinical disease and require help and support to fight massive internal demons. For a good reference about BDD see: http://www.btinternet.com/~david.veale/bddinfo.html. All this being said, I am NOT MAKING FUN OF Body Dysmorphic Disorder, I am making fun of myself.

*Clearly: a word meaning, the following statement is full of crap and has no tangible or empirical evidence of any kind to back it up. Used to imply sarcasm.