Rear View Carlos
Copyright 2006 LFWADE
Cars shout loud and clear facts about their drivers. Bumper stickers make literal statements of politics, humor, or lifestyle. Even drivers who go to great lengths to not make a statement with their car are, in fact, making a statement.
You know the type: they drive maroon Honda Accords that only have a parking sticker on the glass and don’t even have spare change in the console. I generally fall in this category though I often wish I had witty or esoteric bumper stickers. I really like one that says “if this bumper sticker turns blue you are going too fast” – ask a physicist. Though I am a fan of “Republicans for Voldemort”.
Dashboard knick-knacks primarily make religious statements; but sometimes are collected to spoof gluing religious icons to the dash board. I have seen some impressive collections of happy meal toys riding the front dash of disenfranchised 20-somethings (natch). A rear dash full of trucker caps screams a male over 55 years old. Contrastingly a rear dash full of stuffed animals could be a teenage girl or a retired couple (or the driver could be suicidally wishing that an item might become a death missile during a sudden stop).
But what I am really interested in are rear view mirrors. I have nothing hanging from my rearview mirror. Maybe I don’t have anything hanging in my line of site because I am safety conscious; or maybe it’s because I don’t possess the requisite items to hang. The items hanging from a rear view mirror fall into four categories; Symbolic: indicating to the others a point of view; Decorative: being pretty to look at; Functional: serving some function real (or imagined); and Ironic: conveying something other than, and especially the opposite of the literal meaning.
Smokers go for function and hang air fresheners. I think I would be partial to the classic pine-tree; but I am not a smoker. Invariably the smell of cigarette smoke mingles with whatever cloying scent that was cheapest at walmart last month; creating an aroma that you only find in the cars of smokers. Some argue that the suspended CD is a functional accessory that diverts police radar beams (I have never been given any other reason for hanging old CDs.). But a driver who asserts that an old CD will trick the cops is fooling himself. I am still willing to call the suspended CD functional, if it makes the driver feel better about speeding.
Symbolic accessories; unlike functional accessories are not subject to being used or used up, they exist to make a statement for the driver. These items tell the world who you are and where you’ve been. There are plenty of patriots who like to hang flags from their nation of origin – I would have to hang about six flags so I am avoiding them – I would never be able to see out the back of my car. Symbolic accessories tend to fall into two subcategories (1) life achievements and (2) religion. Life achievements are symbolized by school graduation tassels, mardi gras beads, or a garter. The tassel tells the world that you managed to attend enough US history classes to graduate from high school. The mardi gras beads tell the world you showed some guy your tits. The garter tells the world that at least at one point you got to feel up some woman’s leg. Religion generally shows up as prayer beads. Religious drivers might argue that their rosaries are functional; do they pray when traffic is bad? Or when they get in a crash? I think they are hung as tickets to heaven in case of an accident – better than an airbag if you are a believer.
Decorative options are anything that is pretty but not functional, symbolic, or ironic. Prisms are the archetype for this category. But anything lovingly hung for its beauty falls in this category. People hang seasonal decorations – but only people with WAY more time and energy than I have. I can’t even imagine that mistletoe hanging from the rear view mirror could be functional… but some people are more flexible than I am.
Ironic options include fuzzy dice and their close cousin the fuzzy eight ball. Irony is generated by the synthesis of the item hanging from the rearview mirror and the car itself. A pair of fuzzy dice in a 1970 Cadillac coupe might be a decorative statement; but in a beat up 1986 Yugo they take on their own whimsy. Some items that are otherwise functional become ironic by application. For example a driver who hangs a multitude of air fresheners makes a self deprecating statement about how much his car stinks.
The mirror, in and of itself, originated as a statement. It happened to be a statement that in 1911 a racecar driver named, Ray Harroun, couldn’t find a co-driver to spot other racers during the inaugural Indy 500! So, I don’t really need anything hanging from my mirror. I’m going to think of it as my co-driver from now on. Maybe it needs a name. I think I’m gonna call it Carlos for reasons that will remain mine.
Cars shout loud and clear facts about their drivers. Bumper stickers make literal statements of politics, humor, or lifestyle. Even drivers who go to great lengths to not make a statement with their car are, in fact, making a statement.
You know the type: they drive maroon Honda Accords that only have a parking sticker on the glass and don’t even have spare change in the console. I generally fall in this category though I often wish I had witty or esoteric bumper stickers. I really like one that says “if this bumper sticker turns blue you are going too fast” – ask a physicist. Though I am a fan of “Republicans for Voldemort”.
Dashboard knick-knacks primarily make religious statements; but sometimes are collected to spoof gluing religious icons to the dash board. I have seen some impressive collections of happy meal toys riding the front dash of disenfranchised 20-somethings (natch). A rear dash full of trucker caps screams a male over 55 years old. Contrastingly a rear dash full of stuffed animals could be a teenage girl or a retired couple (or the driver could be suicidally wishing that an item might become a death missile during a sudden stop).
But what I am really interested in are rear view mirrors. I have nothing hanging from my rearview mirror. Maybe I don’t have anything hanging in my line of site because I am safety conscious; or maybe it’s because I don’t possess the requisite items to hang. The items hanging from a rear view mirror fall into four categories; Symbolic: indicating to the others a point of view; Decorative: being pretty to look at; Functional: serving some function real (or imagined); and Ironic: conveying something other than, and especially the opposite of the literal meaning.
Smokers go for function and hang air fresheners. I think I would be partial to the classic pine-tree; but I am not a smoker. Invariably the smell of cigarette smoke mingles with whatever cloying scent that was cheapest at walmart last month; creating an aroma that you only find in the cars of smokers. Some argue that the suspended CD is a functional accessory that diverts police radar beams (I have never been given any other reason for hanging old CDs.). But a driver who asserts that an old CD will trick the cops is fooling himself. I am still willing to call the suspended CD functional, if it makes the driver feel better about speeding.
Symbolic accessories; unlike functional accessories are not subject to being used or used up, they exist to make a statement for the driver. These items tell the world who you are and where you’ve been. There are plenty of patriots who like to hang flags from their nation of origin – I would have to hang about six flags so I am avoiding them – I would never be able to see out the back of my car. Symbolic accessories tend to fall into two subcategories (1) life achievements and (2) religion. Life achievements are symbolized by school graduation tassels, mardi gras beads, or a garter. The tassel tells the world that you managed to attend enough US history classes to graduate from high school. The mardi gras beads tell the world you showed some guy your tits. The garter tells the world that at least at one point you got to feel up some woman’s leg. Religion generally shows up as prayer beads. Religious drivers might argue that their rosaries are functional; do they pray when traffic is bad? Or when they get in a crash? I think they are hung as tickets to heaven in case of an accident – better than an airbag if you are a believer.
Decorative options are anything that is pretty but not functional, symbolic, or ironic. Prisms are the archetype for this category. But anything lovingly hung for its beauty falls in this category. People hang seasonal decorations – but only people with WAY more time and energy than I have. I can’t even imagine that mistletoe hanging from the rear view mirror could be functional… but some people are more flexible than I am.
Ironic options include fuzzy dice and their close cousin the fuzzy eight ball. Irony is generated by the synthesis of the item hanging from the rearview mirror and the car itself. A pair of fuzzy dice in a 1970 Cadillac coupe might be a decorative statement; but in a beat up 1986 Yugo they take on their own whimsy. Some items that are otherwise functional become ironic by application. For example a driver who hangs a multitude of air fresheners makes a self deprecating statement about how much his car stinks.
The mirror, in and of itself, originated as a statement. It happened to be a statement that in 1911 a racecar driver named, Ray Harroun, couldn’t find a co-driver to spot other racers during the inaugural Indy 500! So, I don’t really need anything hanging from my mirror. I’m going to think of it as my co-driver from now on. Maybe it needs a name. I think I’m gonna call it Carlos for reasons that will remain mine.
posted by lfwade at 11:39 AM
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