How to really take over the world

This has been done many times before, but I think it is a fun exercise. Remember, NO CAPES.
- Never, ever, build a self destruct device into your secret lair. For that matter your space ship/getaway car/speed boat should not have one either. If you absolutely, positively, HAVE to have one then the button should not be large, bright red, or labeled ‘self destruct’. The villain should never have one item that would destroy your entire empire – engineers call that single point failure – this goes for self destruct buttons, rings of power, and super-viruses. Don’t ever make the password or lock code that protects your empire your childhood pet, favorite color, or well known catch phrase. And never give it to a subservient. The only person you can trust to be wholly ruthless is yourself. You never know when your second in command will fall in love with the hero.
- On this issue of love, never, ever, fall in love (or covet) the hero’s girl, mother, sister, niece, or best female friend. A smart villain will not kidnap her because the hero will always do anything to get his girl back. The average evil genius should have enough money and resources to score his own girl. If you have been disfigured or are a total freak you can always pay for some booty. Just leave the hero’s gal alone.
- Once your plan to take over the world is initiated do not taunt the hero through the local media. If you want to be on TV take a broadcasting class or make a career on public access. Any threatening telecast will provide ammunition for comedians and emphasis for your not-so-ready-for-tv physique. It is understandable that you might want to prevent some second rate villain from claiming your glory, but the smart villain uses a ‘calling card’ rather than interrupting the ten o’clock news with a poorly acted announcement of doom.
- Never tie the hero up, confine him in a room, or attach him to a complicated machine. If you are ever fortunate enough to capture the hero KILL him (or her). If you cannot follow through on this you should get out of the villain business. Saving the murder for later is recipe for disaster and will certainly result in the deaths of some of your employees (if not yourself). Why put off till tomorrow what you can do today? The corollary to this advice is to not torture the hero. All you do is make him or her really angry and give them nothing to loose. Stick with homicide and work your sadistic issues elsewhere.
- Never monolog. When following the always-kill-your-enemy rule never, ever, stop to explain to the hero what your motivation is. A villain should never explain his own personal demons to the hero; that’s what a therapist is for. Along with this rule if you ever are escaping from the hero do not pause to tell the him that you will be back. If you do then you can be assured that you will not. If you are so compelled to make your message known try a manifesto or blog. You do not need a catch phrase.
- If you train or breed an army of henchman treat them well. Consider investing in pension plans and good health insurance. Talk with your local union rep to determine what today’s evil sidekicks want from their employer. A disenchanted underling can bring down your entire organization lickety-split so treat them with the golden rule or stick to the ‘lone wolf’ model of villainy.
- Beware of villain costumes. Sure a costume or outfit gives you brand recognition, but you are not trying to sell yourself to your victims you are trying to steal millions/take over the world/destroy all fuzzy animals. You might really love your trademark black hat but consider something a little less identifiable. A flexible appearance makes villainy easier. Secondly, having no outfit prevents any possible wardrobe malfunctions – sure its clichéd, but no villain wants to be foiled because someone grabbed their patented bad guy tie, or because their super-power-pants fell down while trying to escape. Need it be said? No Capes.
- Multitask. Instead of plotting the downfall of one government try ten. Don’t just attempt to steal the world’s largest diamond steal the second largest too. That way if you fail at one of your goals you have a fall back. Failing at a primary goal can be a huge blow to a villain ego, having another option can help prevent depression. Plus, having multiple targets makes the hero spread his resources to fight you. Don’t expand your reach further than you can grasp, but always consider a plan B.
- If you ego can handle it operate anonymously. The most successful villains are the ones we never know exist. Better yet, establish yourself publicly in an innocuous seeming role (teacher, grocery clerk, city commissioner, or social worker) then use your acquired powers to wreak havoc. Think puppet master, think the man-behind-the-curtain, think about not getting caught. If you must establish an identity keep it mysterious. The devil has been so successful because no one knows who he really is.

L-A-Z-Y, you ain't got no alibi

I went today to help a friend with a project. Her theater group is setting up for a big show on Sunday. I was a hired (make that volunteer) hand to help them set up risers, the set, and move furniture. In the two hours I was there I did maybe 20 minutes worth of work.

How many people does it take to set up a riser. Lets count: one to stand around and dab paint on his painting while looking REALY artistic, one to sit and watch and complain about everyone else, and three to stand around doing the work one person should do.

These people were so disorganized and lazy it was all I could do not to start issuing orders to get things done. It would have been easy enough to get all the work done in less than one hour - but instead they are still working. Thank god I felt no obligation to be there. It was EASY work, not hard or demanding - all you had to do was do what you were told. There was one guy there who knew what he was doing, but he was a failure at deligating his work. I am a hard worker and I was a GIFT to them; I would have stayed much longer to help if they could have managed to get their shit together. It's their loss.

And all the while the "artist" dabbed his paint. ARGGGG!

At least I know that there is no way on earth that I am as lazy as any of those people.

A dog named Prozac

Removed by author

Kidney Boy

Yoda has "renal failure". This means that 75% of his "renal function" is gone. In plainer terms he only has 1/4 of a Kidney working right now. He has been with us for 7 years - not nearly enough time for me.

He gets an expensive renal dog food - which, of course, both dogs eat ravenously. I guess its because it has less protein in it.

He is supposed to get injected fluids once a week. We have only managed to do it twice. How can a 15 pound dog manage to out muscle me? Easy. He cries and whimpers and struggles against me while I hold him. I want to cry and whimper too. He is the focus of an essay I wrote: A dog named prozac.

Kidney boy died before the prom (two points for the reference) I am hoping Yoda will make it long past May.